Sometimes fire and brimstone might not be the defective things greeting you in the Afterlife . Here ’s our list of fictional Purgatories and Heavens — that would in reality be worse than being plunge into Hellfire for all infinity .
12 . The endearing Bones
While gorgeous , the vision of Heaven in this movie ( and Scripture ) is full bunkum . Main type Susie Salmon is despoil and off as a very youthful young lady . After being spirited aside to her own Heaven , she then spend the balance of her daylight determine her kinfolk mourn her horrible fate . And sometimes , she hang out with other dupe of her manslayer . Thus all dupe ’ purgatory gets dictated by the activeness of the individual who put them there — even kid . Awful .
11 . wraith
So you ’re dead but not ready to ascend , this think you have to find someone who speaks “ trace . ” Good luck with that .
10 . airfield of Dreams
Almost everything about this movie revolves around faith . If you establish it , they will come , and then others will follow , and you wo n’t feel like a terrible father for bulldoze your child ’s tutelage money and turning it into a baseball game subject area . Okay , fine . If God can send an invisible baseball squad of renowned shade to Iowa because one man did n’t get to play match with his dead father , then why ca n’t God return the same favor to all His other believers ? The dog scene is roughshod and unusual .
It ’s almost as if God cull up this Archie character just to mess with him . Remember how you always wanted to bat with the New York Giants but never got the chance ? Well here ’s that second chance , baby Archie ! Hooray — oh wait , there ’s a lilliputian girl drop dead on a hot dog ? Well you get down ta go carry through her , because you ’re a doctor and this is 1989 , and no one knows the Heimlich maneuver . Now get the fuck out of my Baseball Heaven .
While making the obvious alternative to save a nestling ’s spirit , Archie is then punish by his goodness . Totally fair — this is Heaven , after all . Archie is transmute to the ripened Doc , and apparently this means his meter with the baseball player is over . But hold back , just to really complain him when he ’s down , Doc is forced to do the walk of shame past his dead baseball game heroes , back through the cornfield . Dick move , God .
9 . All Dogs go to Heaven
Forcing hotdog to wear t - shirt in the hereafter .
8 . Defending Your Life
After you die , you go to a little suburban white mall - townspeople , where you ’re forced to fag tunics . There , you will be given an angel lawyer who will “ defend ” your life history . Horrible retention from your yesteryear will spiel on a big screen , as will full memories . There two angel will combat it out and resolve whether or not you should be allow into Heaven or sent back to Earth for another gibe at becoming whatever they conceive is good . While not a bad place ( the food is unspoiled and there is heap of it ) the people in Purgatory are all kind of jerks . Every time Albert Brooks suppose he ’s get 9 day to fight down his life ( which is apparently a lot , and therefore significative of him being a crap human being ) the workers of this world wince and say “ oooh . ” What a gang of ostentatious asshats .
Plus , the memories and experience the angel lawyers pull in out for Brooks are garbage . So what if Meryl Streep ’s lineament saved a caboodle of kittens from a fire in her past , does that piddle her a good person ? It ’s very “ action mechanism over mental attitude . ” Not everyone is present with a basket of kittens that need delivery . Some of us just work and die out and endeavor to be nice people . Which apparently is n’t Heaven - worthy .
7 . Heart And Souls
After a clerical wrongdoing in Heaven , four souls drop about 30 long time following around some tiddler whom their spirits are marry to , not bonk that they should be using this kid to tie up any open end so they can go to heaven . That ’s 30 years following around one human … 30 days . Where do you go when he ’s in the bathroom with a air sock ? How do you entertain yourself ? Forget the fact that you ’ve horribly mark some poor kid for the rest of his life story — but how the the pits is heaven make ERRORS ? That being say , the life-time of secret backup professional dancer would be amazing .
6 . What Dreams May descend
It ’s no secret , we really , really , really hatethe astoundingly beautiful What Dreams May Come . Why ? That ’s simple : the terrible isolationist Heaven , the nasty wile that deceased loved ones spiel upon raw souls — and last ( but not least ) what about the shit mental attitude everyone has there ? People are lining up to assure Robin Williams what he can and ca n’t do , and how his love is n’t enough . And this is Heaven ? Instead of felicity , What pipe dream May Come portrays a post where children are forced to live over their Daddy Issues , in the class of a trajectory attendant he once hit on . Each little world seems like the visual unspooling of every someone ’s never - experienced therapy session . No thanks .
https://gizmodo.com/what-dreams-may-come-manages-to-make-heaven-suck-5828264
Image from another tremendous revue of What Dreams May Come over atVideogum .
5 . Made In Heaven
Man falls in love with a “ new psyche ” in Heaven . They have sex , and somehow become already married by Heaven ’s ruler . But then she ’s called to Earth to be somebody ’s babe because THOSE ARE THE RULES . clew a stream of arbitrary principle - retch backer , who show up to get into the primary characters ’ way . showcase in point : If you want to go back to find the love of your lifespan , you will keep on your Heaven memories ( which as we learned in Buffy is n’t a good thing ) and if you do n’t find your love by 30 , you never will . Because God aver So .
4 . Beetlejuice
Yes , Tim Burton is totally awe-inspiring and we all love the worlds that he make … except maybe the Afterlife that is set up up in the world of Beetlejuice . When you die , you are stuck in your own personal little Hell always , you could not leave , or sandworms . Also , however you die , that is how you will spend your eternity as . Get flatten out by a automobile , you ’ll expend your hereafter as a pancake man . Get sawn in one-half , you have to expect around your other half .
3 . After life-time
Hirokazu Koreeda ’s movie is absolutely adorable , but the afterlife in After Life is brutal . Which was mean to be hard . In this movie , after you die , souls get one workweek in a place that seems super similar to Earth . During that hebdomad they have to select one retention from their past life to keep . Just one . One memory … unsufferable !
2 . White Noise
There is no heaven , there is no snake pit . Just an eternity trapped inside of clean dissonance . A thing that does n’t really even survive anymore . Enjoy spending forever in an old videocassette recorder .
1 . The Kid With the Broken Halo
A terrible , dickish Angel who ca n’t pore on his angel course is assigned to go to Earth and fix this guy cable ’s living , thus proving his merit as an angel . Because fuck humans .
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